Devil in my Veins

Originally written 8.27.17 @ 4pm

It is easy to back-burn my personal issues and forget about them until eventually they seep back into my mind. They allow my insecurities to arise, they create poisonous thoughts. If addiction is a disease than this is how it attempts to stay in the forefront of my life. I believe it is a sickness, not necessarily a disease, but a sickness created by something inhumane. It is too sinful to be labeled a disease. Its white knuckle grip is too strong and too personal. It is aware that I am gaining my strength back therefore it is not coming at me with blatant cravings and desires. Instead it is using gorilla warfare. Creeping in my mind, tempting me with mental and emotional doubt and poison. Attempting to wear me down from my insides out. It laid off of telling me to go get high, it acknowledged that avenue of destruction was no longer effective. Now, it is using its own form of manipulation by resurfacing the deep rooted issues I struggle with and make an attempt to ignore. Thankfully, I am not eager to cosign and allow the self manipulation to cut into me too deeply. Is it still scratching the surface? Yes. Does it burn and sting? Very much so. I recognize the attempts – flooding my dreaming life with drug use, while consecutively seeping into my waking life with self doubt and fear in the hopes that I will physically sync the two and collapse back into his arms. Of course he would swiftly catch me if I am to trip and fall.

I feel him in the shadows; patient, observant, and sinfully smirking. As it works at running my well dry I feel its smile every time I walk by. It lays dormant, assessing the next best way to break me – self fear, self doubt. At first I believed and was naive enough to feel as though it was truth. “I am not desired.” “Maybe I am not enough.” “Why am I so easily forgotten by others?” “How come they do not see me?” “What is wrong with me?” “Why?” I will not lie, it began to break me and wear me down. The poison began to seep into my core. Then, I woke up. This is exactly what it wants. It wants me to create my own hell, torturing myself with the seed of negativity it planted in me. Using my surroundings to challenge me, bring me to my knees so he can coast out of the shadows disguised as comfort, acceptance, and love.

Today, I refuse to be a coward and allow its manipulation to inspire self harm and abuse. I am not spiteful, nor angry. I am flattered that a power outside of my realm desires me and is not giving up the fight for me – it obviously sees something of value in my soul. That alone is a reminder that I am desired, I am enough. I am a warrior, not a victim. I will pray for the ability to see the value in me that he sees and yearns to be close to. My past and present sins will always keep me close to him – that relationship will always exist and go unbroken. Only, at this time my energy and love is being exerted into a relationship with his opposing, warm, and promising parallel whom I choose to refer to as God.

“The morning’s a cross I bear when I wake
Am I asleep if I’ve broken my faith?
Down on my knees, can you hear me when I pray?
Or am I a little too late?
Count me, count me, call my name
Don’t leave me out in shame
Crimson tears falling and my shirt is blood-stained
And the devil’s forever in my veins”
Yelawolf’s Devil in my Veins