White Knuckles

originally written 9.30.17 @ 2:30am

“Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul.”

Fear is healthy when harnessed correctly. It creates the sensations of flight or fight that is necessary for survival. Most people act out of fear, whether it be to fight and move towards it or to fool themselves into contentment in fear of moving forward and towards change. In hindsight I believe I have often embraced fear, enjoyed the adrenaline. Yet, flight took place when fight should have occured. I enjoyed the wrong forms of fear and danger. When it comes down to fearing what may be with in myself, I flee. Fearing my atmosphere and surroundings, moments out of my control, I throw my fists up and feed off of it. Now, in a sober mindset, I fear my insecurities and emotions. I am finding them difficult to embrace. Throw me a challenge my way or a cap to my potential and I will thrive off conquering the fear of failure. For example, do not tell me a female should not fish alone in the early, dark hours; nor commercially recycle metal or cut grass…. And of course there was the adrenaline related to the fear of living each day in active addiction. The chaos gave me a sense of purpose that distracted me from the reality of self. What I desire now is to find a way to harness the fear I have of my internal being and to conquer it. I no longer want to flee from my self. I have come to realize that the most important people and things in my life have also instilled a form of fear. If a relation does not encompass a hint of dismay than perhaps it is not worth my time or devotion. Thus, I am pleased about the fact that I naturally want to flee from digging into my own self.